Breathe // SLAM POEM

I have always tried to impress you, yet I regress to a child under your stern gaze, the disappointment like an angry fire causing me distress and leaving me unable to express anything other than whispered apologies.

I try and study all the terminologies and methodologies I need to pass my exams, yet even if I pass you have the brass neck to say I could have done better. I could have worked harder. Sowing doubts in my brain like you sow a patch on a quilt, filling me with guilt and all the confidence in myself that I had just rebuilt comes crashing down around my ears.

You tell me I’m far too trusting, but the truth of the matter is that the part of my brain responsible for trusting  is slowing rusting like the pedals on a bike, going round in circles but not moving and the situation never improving but instead in a downward spiral and the consequences will undoubtedly be tidal but why am I the one of trial, I’m not In denial, you are the one that put me here.

You remind me every day about my weight, like the bait you put at the end of a fishing rod as a temptation I bite and despite knowing the truth behind your words I fight until I am out of breath and the words I want to say are ripped away like a script. The same words repeated again and again, falling of deaf ears with my tears slowly drowning me.

Stop looking in the mirror and everything will become that little bit clearer. Please consider how your acts of self-deprecation will slowly kill her….. will slowly kill you. There is a glimmer of hope if you just stop standing there, don’t criticize, stop looking at the world through squinted eyes, watching the slow demise of your life.

You are worth more. You can explore endless possibilities if you just ignore the screaming. I am telling you to you breathe through the negativity and start to knock down the walls of your captivity which is keeping you prisoner inside of your own head and shed that coat of despair which has being weighing you down like a lead balloon, the string beginning to unravel the cocoon which you were wrapped so tightly in.  

Overthinking

Dear me,

I am writing this for posterity because no matter how deep I bury it, it bubbles to the surface and engulfs me. I cannot lie to myself by continuing to paint on this cheerful façade. 

I am lonely. 
(It's easier to write the words than to vocalise them to another person)

Do not misunderstand this. This loneliness does not stem from the fact that I live on my own – do no not believe I could flat share with students anymore after having the luxury of having more than just a bedroom to call my own. My flat is my safe space, where I can shut the entire world out in an instant.  Yet I still must contend with the thoughts that are going around inside my head, spiralling out of proportion. Irrational thoughts.

I moved to Edinburgh for university in September 2016, leaving all my family and friends behind. I love this city, it is beautiful, and many people have said to me that they do not think I will move back to Yorkshire when I complete my degree as I seem so settled, and maybe they are right. Maybe.

Intially, I made a small collection of new friendships through work and university and life seemed great, yet none of these seemed to stand the test of time, meaning that I became more of an acquaintance to them, only coming into contact with each other via establishments rather than planned social events.

I know that this could have been down to my ability to exist in my own little bubble and do my own thing, but it becomes awfully tiresome when the only company you have is yourself.

Edinburgh is a small city, yet I somehow feel lost in a sea of individuals.

I do not eniretly know what to do? What can I do in this situation? Go out and meet new people? I have done and i seem to end up with a bigger collection of acquantances, rather than the sturdy support network of friends that people crave.

-sigh-

I could very well be overthinking but I feel like my mind is less cloudy after writing this.


Joanna <3

Adele Parks - Audiobooks

Dear Blog,

I have always loved audiobooks, Harry Potter – read by Stephen Fry on repeat (Sorry mum and dad), especially during long and arduous car journeys. These audiobooks have become particularly handy during my drives between North Yorkshire and Edinburgh especially as the radio was known to lose frequency to the radio station it was tuned into, the further I travelled.

During one of my scavenger hunts to find a new audiobook to listen to I discovered the author Adele Parks and her plethora of fictional novels. After listening to the excerpt on Audible of the audiobook, I took the plunge and downloaded one of her books.

The Image of You

When all you can see is what they want you to see... Can you ever trust someone you meet online? Anna and Zoe are twins. Identical in appearance, utterly different in personality, they share a bond so close that nothing - or no one - can rip them apart. Until Anna meets charismatic Nick.Anna is trusting, romantic and hopeful; she thinks Nick is perfect. Zoe is daring, dangerous and extreme; she thinks Nick is a liar. Zoe has seen Anna betrayed by men before. She'll stop at nothing to discover if Nick is as good as he seems. The problem is, lies may hurt. But honesty can kill.

 I just could not stop listening to this audiobook and would play it whenever I got a spare moment! Felt a connection with the main protagonist from the first chapter and really enjoyed Adele’s smooth transition between the perspectives of the characters. Clever plot twists which were not anticipated and urged me to keep listening. Often found myself sitting in my car, long after I had arrived home just so I could hear to the end of the chapter. As this was the first book by Adele Parks that I was listening to, the decision to purchase another audiobook by this author rested on my enjoyment of this book and I was not disappointed.

The Stranger In My Home

Alison is lucky, and she knows it. She has the life she always craved, including a happy home with Jeff and their brilliant, vivacious teenage daughter, Katherine - the absolute centre of Alison's world. 

Then a knock at the door ends life as they know it.

Fifteen years ago, someone else took Alison's baby from the hospital. And now Alison is facing the unthinkable. The daughter she brought home doesn't belong to her. When you have everything you dreamed of, there is everything to lose.


Thoroughly enjoyed this audiobook! The plot was easy to follow yet Adele was still able to place to some gems into the storyline which gave the story such emotion. Adele’s ability to allow the reader/listener to connect with and empathise with the main protagonist as she deals with such heartbreak and turmoil on such a personal level is fantastic. This is not an entirely unique idea for a book and follows a similar structure of others regarding the consequences of the ‘baby swap’ and the implications for the families that are involved. However, Adele does not rely solely on this being the only overarching plot, as she delicately intertwines subplots designed to intrigue and surprise the reader/listener.

Her writing style is very defined.

The State We’re In 

What are the odds that the stranger sitting next to you on a plane is destined to change your life? Especially when they appear to be your opposite in every way. She's a lifelong optimist; he's a resolute cynic. In the time it takes to fly from London to Chicago, each finds something in the other that they didn't even realise they needed. When they get off the plane their true journey begins....

I was not immediately encapsulated by this audiobook and I felt like the snippet on Audible did not mirror the brilliance of this book as effectively as it should. I downloaded this audiobook based on the fact that I had enjoyed the previous two and as such would hopefully enjoy this one to.

This book is told through four different narratives – Eddie, Clara, Jo and Dean and how their lives criss-cross and overlap regarding a series of events. This book plays to the stereotype of ‘opposites attract’ – matching optimistic and oblivious Jo with the pessimistic and cynical Dean. Unfortunately, I found that I was able to uncover much of the plot in advance, yet this did not take away from the overall enjoyment I got from listening to this book.  

Check out my latest youtube video where I discuss the positives of audiobooks!  

Limerick about Jo

There’s a girl at the end called Jo.

At Writers she often does show.

Scribbling away 

She writes stuff all day.

Until the proverbial cows come home.

By Alistair Maxwell

Invisible Friends - Poem

Echoes of the past,

Distant memories that were meant to last.

Looked upon with a soft smile,

Why am I the one on trial?

Being that close, then drifting apart

Puts a strain on the heart.

For you have changed me,

You have made me stronger, wiser.

I may not be able to decipher the complicated way you work,

It is indeed a lot of guesswork,

For you turned away,

without a reason,

without a chance.

You chose to be that invisible friend,

without the chance for me to comprehend.

Not looking back,  

perhaps its time for that to be reciprocal.